Swimming in the deep end

It would be safe to consider myself a swimmer.  Not of any competitive caliber, and expecting to win, but a strong, adequately able swimmer.  I can be away from a pool / lake / other body of water for years but once back in it's like I never left.  I've never felt intimidated by water, never feared it or felt like it would ultimately be the end of me.  On the contrary, it's quite like a cocoon.   A safe, warm place where I have fond memories of both solo adventures and time spent with family & friends.

Although I haven't been swimming lately, save for one trip for some laps a couple weeks ago, I feel like I've spent a good amount time mimicking that environment in my mind.  In the water, alone, I set the mood and the deeper I get, the further away from any source of light, the more it seems I may just not need the light.  The dark is comforting and tempting ... "stay here, don't fight it, you need nothing else."  Why would I leave and have other forces try to impress the light upon me?  I control this, I need no one else, I'm better off in the dark and so I dive deeper.   Deeper still.

I'm not used to a world of just dark, it's not where I reside most of the time and while comforting, it still scares me.   And so I welcome those beacons in the back of my mind making themselves known, "just how deep is this pool?" And then I immediately come up for a breath, a deep full breath.

I've been living in fear for the last several months, my father's diagnosis has left a large mark on my day-to-day and trying to move on with life, as he has, seems impossible to me most of the time.  My mind cannot focus and most activities have been deprioritized; among them being all of those things that would normally challenge me out of a dark mood, running being highest on that list.  I find it no coincidence that I recently came across this passage, without outwardly looking for it.

Today if you feel limited by your fear, remember: You can assume the worst and allow that to keep you paralyzed, or you can decide to stop wasting your energy analyzing evidence, and focus instead of creating possibilities.

Like watching grass grow

Quiet and relatively uninteresting times around here, running-wise. There have been a couple inflection points in the form of Reach the Beach (for which I feel I'm much too late to recap) and the first in the summer series of XC 5Ks in Van Cortlandt.  Both were fun experiences, challenging and sparks to my training schedule.  I'm definitely going to get up to the Bronx for more of that summer series and have also signed up for the Fairfield HM in late June, more to keep me out of any comfort zone.  Because let's face it, base building isn't the height of challenging, sexy or exciting and so most of my weeks look the same with only a slight increase in volume from week to week and not much fluctuation in paces.   At this point I have many weeks in the 40-50 mile range and am now increasing that to the 50-60 mile range.  Coach has me sticking with a plan that looks a lot like my build up to IL in May '10 although I'm going to try and incorporate more trail running & attempt to hit something a bit higher in my average MPW throughout the cycle, which means throughout the long and hot summer.  I'll be practicing my very best Fonzie & trying to stay coooooooool.  

Other highlights as of late, Memorial Day!!   Which, as we all know, is the unofficial season of outdoor cocktails and beers.  I tried my very best to represent and honor those whom have defended our country by visiting as many of NYC's outdoor patios & biergartens in a single 24 hour period as humanly possible.  And while I'll claim moderate success no summer is officially "on" until a visit to the original Bohemian Beer Garden in Astoria is made. 

And because this post is stupid, unorganized and not well thought out, if you want to read some great RTB recaps crafted by my teammates, check 'em out here and here.

I really Jean-Paul'ed that one

Spring into early summer line-up fails:  1
Maria:  0

Waking up in a panic with some vague recollection that the snooze button has been depressed, perhaps a number of times, is no way to wake up race morning.   Also, waking up a good 80+ miles from the start line without the required number of minutes between the present time and gun time to travel to said start line, is no way to wake up race morning.

Needless to say I didn't run in Philadelphia yesterday, I missed a great day of running and what looked like superb conditions for the Broad Street Run.   I also spent a nice chunk of cash on race registration and renting a Zipcar for a day I spent in and very near my apartment. 

I = loser

Some additions to the line-up

Bit the bullet and registered for a couple more races last week; with those in place around what I'd already planned to run, I have a nice early summer figured out.

May 1 - Broad Street 10 miler - Philadelphia
May 14 - Healthy Kidney 10K - NYC/CP
May 20-21 - Reach the Beach - Massachusetts
June 11 - NY Mini 10K - NYC/CP

Those 10Ks will act as both torture devices and races to gauge VDOT paces for the start of my Grand Rapids training cycle.  The Mini, in particular, will be interesting as it's usually a little too warm that day & quite humid but it's such a historic & cool all-women's race that always packs in a nice elite showing.  The Healthy Kidney, too, gets it's fair share of exposure & is a quality race for both locals & elite talent; it also happens to be the race that got me my current 10K PR 3 yrs ago (46:40).  Uh yeah, I sorta fear the 10K especially with Central Park as the route; I'm all good until that damned 3rd mile and the 1st half of the 4th mile. Part of it is the well-placed hill coming off the down of Harlem hill but more of it is my crappy attitude towards the heat & humidity.  Of course I cannot [easily] alter my body's physiological reaction to such conditions however I can try to get over my fear of racing when I know I'm not in the best of shape and these two efforts will shake that fear up ...or further cement it.   Past the time to pull on my big girl pants, CTFU and at least try to run well in less-than-ideal conditions. 

To further get me out of my comfort zone I'm toying with the idea of registering for the Fairfield HM (6/26) or the Utica Boilermaker 15K (7/10), undoubtedly both will host some nasty, sticky conditions.   Doing so will force me to enter that mindset that the miles will totally suck, there won't likely be a way to run well if I'm not prepared and it's quite likely that I may not run well even then, given the weather.

But let's push those thoughts out just a bit further and skip back to the present; last week turned out decent.  Nothing but ez running, need to remember to add in some strides as well as a little tempo work, but still a solid base building week and I got my butt to yoga, which is key, especially to my butt!

M:  6.35 mi ez (8:41)
T:  rest
W:  6.35 mi ez (8:36) + 90 mins. yoga
T:  8.5 mi ez (8:54) *first run with Kelly & Megan, wheee!*
F:  8.9 mi ez (8:30)
S:  5.25 mi ez (8:54)
S:  13 mi ez (9:14)

Total:  48.35 mi

Le suck

Last week got off to a lousy start and I'm blaming that start for setting a bad precedent.  Of course I'm not to blame whatsoever and there is no excuse making going on here.   It was completely out of my hands and an experience I've never been through before!   Ahem.

  ::rolls eyes::  

Fine, it was my fault and I am making excuses.  After spending another kickass weekend at home with the family and running the STL Marathon relay I flew back to NYC on Monday morning and headed straight to the office.  I was tired and cranky and sad (I always get sad leaving the fam, call it post-trip dumpsies).  Therefore I didn't run on Monday.    Work is more stressful than normal lately, with a big product being released next week, that means doing plenty extra to ensure everything will look & work great.  It also means that when I do finally leave the office the last thing I want to do is anything.   Therefore I didn't run on Tuesday or Wednesday.    Weak.sauce.

Thursday! This was going to be the savior of the week.  Since I'm still having problems getting out of bed in the morning when not meeting up with others for a run, I packed up my running gear and brought it to work.  The weather was superb that day and I looked forward to the jaunt over the Brooklyn bridge and up the West Side to get me home.   This sounded like a fab plan b/c it wouldn't matter when I finished w/work, I run in the dark all the time.  Everything would have gone off without a hitch had I ignored the afternoon demo meeting on the books for that day and it's location in our other office.  Fine, I told myself, I'll just run from SoHo, I won't get that run over the bridge but I'll still run home.  Nope.  Had to have my laptop with me for that afternoon and there's no way in hell I'm running with a laptop on my back, I can imagine dents and bruises from that stupid brick.  I also had a time constraint that night in the form of an appointment at the vet's office with my furry friend.  F#@$, no run on Thursday.

This is just silly.

Finally, come Friday I had my regular meet up with the bridges crew and I got some miles logged.  That was just the nudge I needed to continue through the weekend.  So while it wasn't ideal, I'm considering it one week less of base building to get me to Grand Rapids and not allowing it to happen again.

F:  6.5 mi ez (9:00)
S:  7.75 mi ez (9:25) - great fun on the bridle path!
S:  13.15 mi (9:02) - ran the lower perimeter loop of Manhattan, 59th St and south

Total:  27.40 mi

Glancing at the long view, I've got 6 more weeks of base and then 20 weeks prior to Grand Rapids.  Need to make them all count.

Back to the roots

I do experience plenty of happiness in my day-to-day, along with a ton of frustration and anger, but hey that's not what this post [or blog, for the most part] is about.  I need to remind myself of this often, especially on those days/weeks/months where it seems all is the suck.   The little things that have made me happy today:

• Friday bridges run with Elyssa, Eissa and guest runner, Susan!   These runs make for a fantastic start to any day but especially Fridays.
• After this morning's run and before boarding a train back uptown, I found the cutest coffee shop along Chambers St.    Thanks for the great tasting java, Blue Spoon Coffee Company!
• Everyone clogging up the subway platform this morning were all awaiting either a B or D train.  My A train pulled up, the seas parted, I boarded easily and got a seat 
• Cadman Plaza in spring time is a gorgeous sight.  I pass it every week day twice, while walking between the subway and my office.  On downtown bridge route running days I pass it thrice!

 

•  I had one last packet of Justin's almond butter to enjoy with an apple [thereby canceling out the zesty ranch potato chips]

 

•  I'm closing bugs left and right in QA for a big project my team has been working on tirelessly .  Geeky moment!
• A few choice finisher shots from last week's STL Marathon Relay

Lessons learned

If you've spent any significant time around me you know that I'm a stubborn, stubborn individual.  It's not always immediately evident but should you inquire about anything related to certain pockets of television or movie minutia, the subway, directions, or time lines/past events in our shared history and you'll soon find out I'm right.  I'll insist upon it.   My correctness is based on facts, I'm not one to believe that we have to share all the same beliefs in matters of opinion but if there's some fact underlying the aforementioned topics, I'm pretty much always right.  And should I have to admit to being wrong, as Jason & my sisters have learned, I'm not so gracious.  There is one area of my life that I don't have a problem being wrong, well I don't like being wrong and would prefer to have it all figured out but the learning is part of the fun.  That being, as you've probably surmised, running.  I've had good success with having a path to "right" for me in many areas but still learn things in most races and some training runs.  A few details gleaned from the 50K & this past weekend's STL marathon relay:

• Don't be stupid; test out all equipment prior to the run.  Even though I'd recently used my Camelbak, I didn't test it out the morning of the race, choosing to simply fill the bladder up with water and be on my way.  It wasn't until about 15 mins. prior to the start that I tried to take a sip only to find some sort of blockage in the hose or bladder connection point.   Luckily with the conditions we had that day & the frequency of aid stations, I didn't need it but I did have to schlep the pack for the first loop b/c of the late timing.
• It's ok to run fast(er) on trails when you can, take advantage of flats and downhills and cruise!  I played this race mega-conservative, the distance and terrain at that distance were total unknowns to me and I wanted to maximize the fun while minimizing any opportunity of a crash n' burn.  I had plenty left to give and could have run a bit more aggressively on both loops.
• I'm still not OK running in the heat esp when not acclimated.  This past Sunday's run in STL was a shocker to say the least, summer crept in FAST and I was reminded how much the heat & humidity affects me.  Although I know I'll have more time to acclimate in the natural progression of spring into summer, I want to be well prepared for those nasty, doggy days when I'm deep in training for Grand Rapids.  I took an extra precaution and picked up a sleeker, smaller Camelbak while in STL, to use this summer in lieu of my hand-held on longer runs.  Will be drinking more and more often.
• This is no grand revelation, but running trails makes you stronger.  You engage your core for stabilization and there are always plenty of rolling ups and downs to challenge and spice up any run.  I intend to keep trails in the mix while building my base for GR and for a LR here and there, when keeping the pace easy.

Here is last week's OK attempt to get my base going towards Grand Rapids; I should have planned better for Saturday's run & got out immediately upon waking up.  But ended up hitting the STL marathon expo & then visiting with my aunt who is recovering from back surgery.

M:  7.45 mi ez (9:14)
T:   6 mi ez (8:43), finished with 6x strides
W: 11 mi ez (9:12) a.m. / 90 mins yoga p.m.
T:  rest
F: 6 mi w/2 @tempo (8:07) *although the tempo miles were a bit too slow and then maybe a bit too fast, the entire run was at an avg of 8:07 so I'm not too upset
S:  unintended rest, visiting family
S:  9.6 mi ez (9:16) as STL Marathon Relay

Total: 40.05 mi