It would be safe to consider myself a swimmer. Not of any competitive caliber, and expecting to win, but a strong, adequately able swimmer. I can be away from a pool / lake / other body of water for years but once back in it's like I never left. I've never felt intimidated by water, never feared it or felt like it would ultimately be the end of me. On the contrary, it's quite like a cocoon. A safe, warm place where I have fond memories of both solo adventures and time spent with family & friends.
Although I haven't been swimming lately, save for one trip for some laps a couple weeks ago, I feel like I've spent a good amount time mimicking that environment in my mind. In the water, alone, I set the mood and the deeper I get, the further away from any source of light, the more it seems I may just not need the light. The dark is comforting and tempting ... "stay here, don't fight it, you need nothing else." Why would I leave and have other forces try to impress the light upon me? I control this, I need no one else, I'm better off in the dark and so I dive deeper. Deeper still.
I'm not used to a world of just dark, it's not where I reside most of the time and while comforting, it still scares me. And so I welcome those beacons in the back of my mind making themselves known, "just how deep is this pool?" And then I immediately come up for a breath, a deep full breath.
I've been living in fear for the last several months, my father's diagnosis has left a large mark on my day-to-day and trying to move on with life, as he has, seems impossible to me most of the time. My mind cannot focus and most activities have been deprioritized; among them being all of those things that would normally challenge me out of a dark mood, running being highest on that list. I find it no coincidence that I recently came across this passage, without outwardly looking for it.
Today if you feel limited by your fear, remember: You can assume the worst and allow that to keep you paralyzed, or you can decide to stop wasting your energy analyzing evidence, and focus instead of creating possibilities.
7 comments:
I can't pretend to relate to what you're going through with your father, but this post came at a good time for me personally. I'm going through some awful shit and there have been days when I've tried to run and just found myself crying instead. (And there have been even more days when I never even got out the door because of it all.) I envy those people who can use running as a solace.
Of course, I also envy those of you who can swim.
I know this is thrown out so often it's cliche, but if there's anything I can do, let me know. Even if you just need distraction, I'm happy to help. Especially if you need ice cream.
That is a wonderful quote.
So sorry life has been rough lately. I too am here if you need anything - although ice cream is probably out of the question. :)
I know how you feel about your pops and I am so sorry to hear all is not well with him. Don't let something steal the sunshine that is marier. :) above all, that's what your family needs. To help with this huge task, I will send all by sunny vibes your way. You're all in my prayers. xoxo
On a lesser level, I can empathize with the feelings you're experiencing regarding your dad. There were moments for me when I wasn't sure I'd make it to the surface of that pool. You will, because you are your father's daughter. Strong man, strong daughter.
Hugs to you, Maria. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this.
I'll share with you what people have been telling me lately because of my own dad issues... Remember to take care of yourself first. You can't help anyone else if you're not tending to your own needs. It's not selfish. It's self-preservation.
you are stronger than you think you are.. and from what you've shared of your dad, so is he. the good 'ole, tenacious midwestern (was ornery the word you once described it as?) spirit - you both have it.
when the darkness and the deepness threaten to engulf you, take a deep breath and just put one foot in front of the other. sometimes, its ok to stop, sit, and wallow.. but not for long. other times, you'll need to lean on others just to keep your head up.
there are so many of us here for you. lean on us... so you can be ready for dad to lean on you.
much love to you.
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