Growing up with Jeff

The number of times my Mazda 323 (affectionately known as "Eggie", RIP) and I made the 300 mile trip between Chicago & St. Louis along highway 55 in the years 1997-2000 has to be in the hundreds.  Or so it felt.  We'd pretty much go on auto-pilot, left hand contained a large coffee and handled steering, right hand dealt with shifting and keeping the tunes going.  Most often I drove only in the company of Jeff.  Jeff Tweedy.

We'd been friends since before college, he then in Uncle Tupelo and me under-age drinking, playing volleyball and collecting a paycheck from Imo's pizza.  Both being from the greater St. Louis area, he on Illinois side of the Mississippi, we had our Midwestern roots in common & shared some of the same hobbies like going out on the Landing & hitting up the gambling boats.   By the time I was in college, he'd formed a new band, Wilco, but many of his lyrics' themes remained and certainly the ties to America's heart land.  I took comfort in hearing those twangy but rocking beats and felt our friendship was solid.  I wasn't wrong.  As he and his band mates grew in popularity they moved to Chicago and identified with that being more of their hometown; this worked out perfectly for me as I also moved to the Windy City after college.  We'd see each other from time to time, often at the Riviera and smaller venues in the Chicagoland area and around Southern Illinois.  But once...  once at the most amazing of shows ever, at the now defunct Lounge Ax on Lincoln, it was like being in the living room catching up with your friends and listening to some amazing music; I still have a cassette tape of the show recorded off a DAT tape.  If only I had a sweet Walkman so I could actually listen to it.

Eventually I moved to NYC and we saw each other less but I kept up with his latest releases and caught a show whenever Wilco was in town. I can't help but feel like I grew up with Jeff and his various band mates and just as their music has evolved so have my expectations of the newest albums ...but man oh man, the older stuff can twist my heart up in an instant.  To this day, listening to Summerteeth's Via Chicago transports me back to my days along highway 55 and so many of the other songs bring about a deep emotional response.  And so I was beside myself, last week, when after selling out both shows in Central Park at Rumsey Playfield, they released additional tickets.  Snagging up a couple quickly, J and I found ourselves in the middle of the park on a dark foggy night.  The skies hinted at rain but it never came, instead the familiar lyrics of an old friend filled the wind and filled my heart with a little of what I'll always miss of the Midwest.

Go get yourself some of Illinois's best... The Whole Love is available in iTunes now!

If not now, when?

"To be alive is to totally and openly participate in the simplicity and elegance of here and now" - Donald Altman

Days, weeks and months pass just as they did before, just as they have for the last 30+ years of my life.   It's different but it's not, it's scary but it's not.  I guess I'm thinking more of the quality and content of those days, weeks and months more and from a different perspective.  You'd think that in doing so some introspection would occur as well.  Well, you'd be wrong.  The thoughts aren't of the quality of my life but rather that of my father. And while it seems an easy conclusion to draw, it wasn't until my Monday morning running buddy, TK, said so did I know it to be obvious & of course true.  It's so much easier to focus on someone else, their needs, the support required for them than to look inward.  My family is pretty much the best of the most kick ass people I've ever known.  We're loud and dysfunctional as all hell but we've always got one another's backs and we can organize like no other.  You throw a task down and it's CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!  So while we're all moving forward in our new daily reality, each with our own facet of the challenge well underway, I've completely lost touch of just how much of my own stuff I've let fall away.

As any runner will tell you, we're big eaters, but because we're often in motion it all balances out.  I'm no different; sure there may be times after a big race or maybe when injured that activities don't exceed intake and a little weight is gained here or there but soon enough the balance is restored and all is right with the world and its supply of cupcakes & salty snacks.  Given my lack of doing much of anything, I'm both up in weight and down in activities; this needs to change.  A couple weeks ago I joined some friends and family to compete in a game-like contest of building better habits, dropping the crap and losing some tonnage.  Things are looking up thus far although they'd speed up a bit if I were to get back to building some mileage.  And thus why I'm posting here, I need just a touch more accountability.  I may also need to do something more drastic, like commit to a race before the year's up, something with some distance ... any suggestions?   In the meantime here's to running more on a daily basis & to refining my skillz on the kickball field (yeah, I joined J's team ... eeps!)

Coming up:  an overdue recap of the Spartan Race, and both the Fifth Ave Mile & a cool performance in BK

Swimming in the deep end

It would be safe to consider myself a swimmer.  Not of any competitive caliber, and expecting to win, but a strong, adequately able swimmer.  I can be away from a pool / lake / other body of water for years but once back in it's like I never left.  I've never felt intimidated by water, never feared it or felt like it would ultimately be the end of me.  On the contrary, it's quite like a cocoon.   A safe, warm place where I have fond memories of both solo adventures and time spent with family & friends.

Although I haven't been swimming lately, save for one trip for some laps a couple weeks ago, I feel like I've spent a good amount time mimicking that environment in my mind.  In the water, alone, I set the mood and the deeper I get, the further away from any source of light, the more it seems I may just not need the light.  The dark is comforting and tempting ... "stay here, don't fight it, you need nothing else."  Why would I leave and have other forces try to impress the light upon me?  I control this, I need no one else, I'm better off in the dark and so I dive deeper.   Deeper still.

I'm not used to a world of just dark, it's not where I reside most of the time and while comforting, it still scares me.   And so I welcome those beacons in the back of my mind making themselves known, "just how deep is this pool?" And then I immediately come up for a breath, a deep full breath.

I've been living in fear for the last several months, my father's diagnosis has left a large mark on my day-to-day and trying to move on with life, as he has, seems impossible to me most of the time.  My mind cannot focus and most activities have been deprioritized; among them being all of those things that would normally challenge me out of a dark mood, running being highest on that list.  I find it no coincidence that I recently came across this passage, without outwardly looking for it.

Today if you feel limited by your fear, remember: You can assume the worst and allow that to keep you paralyzed, or you can decide to stop wasting your energy analyzing evidence, and focus instead of creating possibilities.

Like watching grass grow

Quiet and relatively uninteresting times around here, running-wise. There have been a couple inflection points in the form of Reach the Beach (for which I feel I'm much too late to recap) and the first in the summer series of XC 5Ks in Van Cortlandt.  Both were fun experiences, challenging and sparks to my training schedule.  I'm definitely going to get up to the Bronx for more of that summer series and have also signed up for the Fairfield HM in late June, more to keep me out of any comfort zone.  Because let's face it, base building isn't the height of challenging, sexy or exciting and so most of my weeks look the same with only a slight increase in volume from week to week and not much fluctuation in paces.   At this point I have many weeks in the 40-50 mile range and am now increasing that to the 50-60 mile range.  Coach has me sticking with a plan that looks a lot like my build up to IL in May '10 although I'm going to try and incorporate more trail running & attempt to hit something a bit higher in my average MPW throughout the cycle, which means throughout the long and hot summer.  I'll be practicing my very best Fonzie & trying to stay coooooooool.  

Other highlights as of late, Memorial Day!!   Which, as we all know, is the unofficial season of outdoor cocktails and beers.  I tried my very best to represent and honor those whom have defended our country by visiting as many of NYC's outdoor patios & biergartens in a single 24 hour period as humanly possible.  And while I'll claim moderate success no summer is officially "on" until a visit to the original Bohemian Beer Garden in Astoria is made. 

And because this post is stupid, unorganized and not well thought out, if you want to read some great RTB recaps crafted by my teammates, check 'em out here and here.

I really Jean-Paul'ed that one

Spring into early summer line-up fails:  1
Maria:  0

Waking up in a panic with some vague recollection that the snooze button has been depressed, perhaps a number of times, is no way to wake up race morning.   Also, waking up a good 80+ miles from the start line without the required number of minutes between the present time and gun time to travel to said start line, is no way to wake up race morning.

Needless to say I didn't run in Philadelphia yesterday, I missed a great day of running and what looked like superb conditions for the Broad Street Run.   I also spent a nice chunk of cash on race registration and renting a Zipcar for a day I spent in and very near my apartment. 

I = loser

Some additions to the line-up

Bit the bullet and registered for a couple more races last week; with those in place around what I'd already planned to run, I have a nice early summer figured out.

May 1 - Broad Street 10 miler - Philadelphia
May 14 - Healthy Kidney 10K - NYC/CP
May 20-21 - Reach the Beach - Massachusetts
June 11 - NY Mini 10K - NYC/CP

Those 10Ks will act as both torture devices and races to gauge VDOT paces for the start of my Grand Rapids training cycle.  The Mini, in particular, will be interesting as it's usually a little too warm that day & quite humid but it's such a historic & cool all-women's race that always packs in a nice elite showing.  The Healthy Kidney, too, gets it's fair share of exposure & is a quality race for both locals & elite talent; it also happens to be the race that got me my current 10K PR 3 yrs ago (46:40).  Uh yeah, I sorta fear the 10K especially with Central Park as the route; I'm all good until that damned 3rd mile and the 1st half of the 4th mile. Part of it is the well-placed hill coming off the down of Harlem hill but more of it is my crappy attitude towards the heat & humidity.  Of course I cannot [easily] alter my body's physiological reaction to such conditions however I can try to get over my fear of racing when I know I'm not in the best of shape and these two efforts will shake that fear up ...or further cement it.   Past the time to pull on my big girl pants, CTFU and at least try to run well in less-than-ideal conditions. 

To further get me out of my comfort zone I'm toying with the idea of registering for the Fairfield HM (6/26) or the Utica Boilermaker 15K (7/10), undoubtedly both will host some nasty, sticky conditions.   Doing so will force me to enter that mindset that the miles will totally suck, there won't likely be a way to run well if I'm not prepared and it's quite likely that I may not run well even then, given the weather.

But let's push those thoughts out just a bit further and skip back to the present; last week turned out decent.  Nothing but ez running, need to remember to add in some strides as well as a little tempo work, but still a solid base building week and I got my butt to yoga, which is key, especially to my butt!

M:  6.35 mi ez (8:41)
T:  rest
W:  6.35 mi ez (8:36) + 90 mins. yoga
T:  8.5 mi ez (8:54) *first run with Kelly & Megan, wheee!*
F:  8.9 mi ez (8:30)
S:  5.25 mi ez (8:54)
S:  13 mi ez (9:14)

Total:  48.35 mi

Le suck

Last week got off to a lousy start and I'm blaming that start for setting a bad precedent.  Of course I'm not to blame whatsoever and there is no excuse making going on here.   It was completely out of my hands and an experience I've never been through before!   Ahem.

  ::rolls eyes::  

Fine, it was my fault and I am making excuses.  After spending another kickass weekend at home with the family and running the STL Marathon relay I flew back to NYC on Monday morning and headed straight to the office.  I was tired and cranky and sad (I always get sad leaving the fam, call it post-trip dumpsies).  Therefore I didn't run on Monday.    Work is more stressful than normal lately, with a big product being released next week, that means doing plenty extra to ensure everything will look & work great.  It also means that when I do finally leave the office the last thing I want to do is anything.   Therefore I didn't run on Tuesday or Wednesday.    Weak.sauce.

Thursday! This was going to be the savior of the week.  Since I'm still having problems getting out of bed in the morning when not meeting up with others for a run, I packed up my running gear and brought it to work.  The weather was superb that day and I looked forward to the jaunt over the Brooklyn bridge and up the West Side to get me home.   This sounded like a fab plan b/c it wouldn't matter when I finished w/work, I run in the dark all the time.  Everything would have gone off without a hitch had I ignored the afternoon demo meeting on the books for that day and it's location in our other office.  Fine, I told myself, I'll just run from SoHo, I won't get that run over the bridge but I'll still run home.  Nope.  Had to have my laptop with me for that afternoon and there's no way in hell I'm running with a laptop on my back, I can imagine dents and bruises from that stupid brick.  I also had a time constraint that night in the form of an appointment at the vet's office with my furry friend.  F#@$, no run on Thursday.

This is just silly.

Finally, come Friday I had my regular meet up with the bridges crew and I got some miles logged.  That was just the nudge I needed to continue through the weekend.  So while it wasn't ideal, I'm considering it one week less of base building to get me to Grand Rapids and not allowing it to happen again.

F:  6.5 mi ez (9:00)
S:  7.75 mi ez (9:25) - great fun on the bridle path!
S:  13.15 mi (9:02) - ran the lower perimeter loop of Manhattan, 59th St and south

Total:  27.40 mi

Glancing at the long view, I've got 6 more weeks of base and then 20 weeks prior to Grand Rapids.  Need to make them all count.