Anyone who knows me knows that I don't stay down for long. I let myself stew in my sadness or madness a bit and may tap into it a few more times to remember what it feels like before deciding that it needs to leave. I don't operate well under such a blanket of sadness or negativity or really any alteration from my everyday demeanor. It doesn't feel like me. So when reviewing the disappointment for my race in Illinois, I straddle the line of rationalizing, understanding and questioning. What parts are sadness? Which are anger? Which can I learn from? And which are just un-categorized emotion?
I am/was heart broken. Obviously this is not the race I've trained for and although the weather is not in my control, I continue to wonder if I reacted as best as I could.
I didn't freak out.
I acknowledged the weather and carried through with a plan to carry water, sip more, sip often.
I stuck with a conservative, controlled pace.
However, I also acknowledged to myself that it would be highly unlikely to hit all of my goals given the conditions. Although I didn't know 100%. Instead I started thinking about saving myself and finding another race another day.
Was that it?
Could I have stuck with it, gritted my teeth and dug deeper? Should I have? I certainly felt better later in the race but by then my stomach was overfull of liquids in an attempt to keep myself hydrated and cool. Of course I'll never know but I can't help but wonder. Perhaps my vision for a good race is skewed? Perhaps I don't know what it really means to "make it may day".
And this leaves me sad.
But not out.