Anyone who knows me knows that I don't stay down for long. I let myself stew in my sadness or madness a bit and may tap into it a few more times to remember what it feels like before deciding that it needs to leave. I don't operate well under such a blanket of sadness or negativity or really any alteration from my everyday demeanor. It doesn't feel like me. So when reviewing the disappointment for my race in Illinois, I straddle the line of rationalizing, understanding and questioning. What parts are sadness? Which are anger? Which can I learn from? And which are just un-categorized emotion?
I am/was heart broken. Obviously this is not the race I've trained for and although the weather is not in my control, I continue to wonder if I reacted as best as I could.
I didn't freak out.
I acknowledged the weather and carried through with a plan to carry water, sip more, sip often.
I stuck with a conservative, controlled pace.
However, I also acknowledged to myself that it would be highly unlikely to hit all of my goals given the conditions. Although I didn't know 100%. Instead I started thinking about saving myself and finding another race another day.
Was that it?
Could I have stuck with it, gritted my teeth and dug deeper? Should I have? I certainly felt better later in the race but by then my stomach was overfull of liquids in an attempt to keep myself hydrated and cool. Of course I'll never know but I can't help but wonder. Perhaps my vision for a good race is skewed? Perhaps I don't know what it really means to "make it may day".
And this leaves me sad.
But not out.
6 comments:
Believe me - I had those same thoughts during the race and after (and still). I kept telling myself "dig deep" - but my legs couldn't go. Does that mean I'm just not cut out for BQ pace? That I'm a wimp? That I can't tolerate the pain that I know will accompany that pace? I don't know. Even now - I am having thoughts that maybe I'm just not made to go that fast.
Or maybe it just was the shitty weather.
But, I have the same personality type as you. I'll snap back and keep on trying!
Yup, just getting over that myself and I didn't even have weather to blame my crap race for. With that said, I have attempted to race a marathon in the heat and it is HORRIBLE. You are in awesome shape and ready to roll. Brush this off (however you need to) and refocus. You have a great race in you this season.
sorry for the deleted comment. i realized i wasn't really making sense.
i think that you showed incredible strength and courage by adjusting your race plans accordingly. that, to me, was making it your day. although it didn't yield the results you wanted, you allowed room to work with the varying factors.
the NYC half was proof that you CAN make it your day and that you know how to capitalize under the right conditions. you have the fitness. under lloyd's guidance, you have the discipline and mental toughness - you are so much more of a smarter and tenacious runner than you were a year ago. have confidence in that.
i know you are disappointed. and heartbroken... i am for you as well. (our whole household is! the first thing J said when i told him what happened, "well, FUCK") allow yourself to grieve for what could have been. what should have been. and then its onward.
i mean, really. didja think those cupcakes were going to digest themselves?????
see ya on the bridle path.
xoxo,
missy
I had the same response when I saw your results as Missy's husband :)
You have every right to be sad about the situation...I can just imagine what was going through your head "CRAP....not the heat AGAIN!!" You ran a smart race in the face of some tough conditions and you know this result doesn't relect what you are capable of!
Relax, recharge, regroup...re-race!!
Hang in there. Been there. I ran Chicago (HEAT) in 08 and turned around 6 weeks later to run Philly (frozen tundra). Don't doubt anything you did - it wasn't meant to be on that day. Good luck and I can tell you when it does come, it is oh so sweet:)
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