I knew Boston would be inspiring and man oh man, was it ever! ...but I also knew it would be indulgent. After all, I haven't yet qualified for myself and although I enjoy attending & watching marathons quite thoroughly, I felt this experience to be much different. As the weekend went on I couldn't help but notice the thin line between soaking up all that this historic race offers and perhaps soaking up a bit too much for where I was, a non-registered, non-qualified runner. Sure, all sorts of folks not running attend the expo, buy gear and cheer runners on in Boston - no different than any other race, but I also had plans to jump in along the course and run as a bandit along with Missy. I've done this before for/with others and I didn't feel nearly as guilty as I do, now, reflecting on Monday. Boston is sacred to runners. It's historic, it often represents the pinnacle in one's running and it's very much loved.
It wasn't mine to have.
And although I never felt it was my race, never even a hint of that, I did feel like I was taking something that didn't belong to me. Perhaps it was the distance covered (20 miles for me), that's a good chunk of time to be running in a race that isn't yours. Awareness was also heightened by those incredibly wonderful folks cheering us on. "Us" when it should have been "her".
Gah, I feel so conflicted. My intentions were innocent, looking for inspiration, excited to visit with friends, to meet others I haven't yet had the chance to spend time with and to help my friend achieve a goal she set for herself when she found out she was pregnant, having already qualified. But here I am, feeling guilty and horrible.
Undoubtedly a run will leave me feeling better but for all of those who did qualify, who did have their race - I apologize, I didn't mean to take anything away from your day or your experience.
Onward!
7 comments:
I think if anything - you need to remember how much your friend appreciated you being by her side. Guilt is normal - if you didn't feel that way, then I'm not quite sure why you would be doing your "goal" race in May. That said, I'm so psyched to hear how it goes. Sounds like all things are a go! :)
thank you for being willing to haul my ass through the course, up the newton hills, and down the last stretch home. i'm sorry you feel guilty :( but at the risk of sounding selfish and self-centered i really couldn't have done it without you.
your constant encouragement and just even presence on the course was calming and helped get me going through the tough times. prior to your joining me on the course, i had serious doubts that i would finish.
i wish i could also return the favor on may 1 - it'll have to be from afar but i promise to send twice the wishes and vibes! :)
xoxo missy and baby mango
I don't blame you for having those emotions - but let them go. I thought of Missy several times during the race and how hard it would be to complete that course with baby mango. She needed you and you were a great friend to help her along.
Plus, you got a sneak preview for next year when you'll be racing it!
Good luck in Champaign!
Guilt is a powerful thing. I understand your feelings of conflict, but if you shift away from worrying what others think about it and focus on the fact that you helped Missy, you'll realize you didn't get the whole Boston experience and you didn't take anything away from anyone. You'll just have to get that full experience next April :)
Understandable that you feel that way. But, like everyone else said, you should focus on what you were doing to help Missy. That was a good thing.
So excited for next weekend!
Exactly...onward!
So maybe you would do it differently if you could go back, but what's done is done. I agree that its an easy race to get caught up in with the crowds but you were helping a friend and as you said, your intention was never to say you ran the Boston Marathon :)
Use it as fuel for next weekend and then you can come back next year and experience Boston as a true racer!!
good for you for being there for her.
and. you didn't get credit for the entire race, did you? didn't tie on a chip, or receive a finisher's medal?
just be thankful that the opportunity was there to be there for your friend - and to trial run the course.
this is a win win win situation. you haven't taken a single thing from anyone who earned their own place there. life is good. =)
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